In three days I'm going to turn 25. When I joked about coming into my "quarter life crisis," I really didn't know what it meant. However, this past week it's started to dawn on me a little bit.
I look around and everywhere all I can see are people who are happy... with someone else. I've always held the stance that I don't need a man/kids to make me happy, but lately that seems to be fading a bit. I'm the only one left of my friends without someone, or without kids. It's getting pretty awkward going out with them because I'm always the one who's alone. I've also always wanted kids. Ever since my "Doctor" told me at age 16 that I wouldn't have any. That, of course, turned out to be totally false and I've had a specialist confirm that. The past six weeks I've been babysitting (since I still don't have a job!) and it seems to be making things even worse, instead of contenting me. Of course, that's one of those things that I'll never understand until it actually happens, and so I continue to wait. Oh, and to make it worse? I had a dream last night that I went to the Dr to try to get pregnant and he told me I was "too old." What the crap?
I went to college for 4.5 years. I have an AAS, which has proven to be completely worthless, and the second half I was a horrible student, with nothing to show for it but debt. My first week at the university was the most horrible week of my life. On a Wednesday, I got a call on the way to class that I needed to meet my cousin before I went. I did. I got absolutely horrible news. I never recovered from it. Even with counseling I haven't been the same since before that day. I didn't care. I almost still don't. The difference is that then, I didn't care about anything and now, I just don't know what to care about. To make it worse, the university staff handled my situation totally inappropriately. I was told I was making things up and imagining them, and got "dismissed" as a result. Hopefully when I go back (to a different school!!!) next fall, things will be different. All I can do now is hope that something hits me over the head and inspires me again.
I, not unlike most people, feel that things could be so much different if I'd just pulled the trigger. On decisions, not a gun. Granted, I've made plenty of decisions on a whim. Going back to school, moving to Ames instead of staying where I was, applying for a job in London.... Which is actually my first missed chance. I applyed for that job and the only thing that was missing was a work visa. I actually had an interview if I could get that visa. I didn't. I didn't even try. I'm still hoping that someday I can just pick up and move to another country, but that's not going to happen with babysitting money. I could have moved to Tybee Island and had a pretty good job, but I didn't know anyone there so I didn't go. I could have found someone to live with once I got there, but silly me, I didn't want to. I've turned down dates for stupid reasons (haven't we all?). Every decision I've made in the past 5 years or so is just coming back to haunt me. Even if they shouldn't.
Overall, I've just been dwelling on the past, and things I can't change. I get even more annoyed about these things now because I know that I can't do anything about it! Hindsight is 20/20 right?? Maybe someday soon I'll find something that will make me happy. I'm going back to school next fall, and that's a lot of time between now and then for things to happen! Wish me luck!
Tell me what one thing would you have/do if you could have/do anything in the world. Money is not an object, and anything is possible!
Have a good day everyone.